worst new year's eve

hello. I dunno where to share. maybe this blog would be my deepest diary :)

and now I don't know where to start -.-

few days ago, I got a toothache. and I'm an-anti-doctor person. especially a dentist. can you imagine how this toothache's things annoyed my mind? some people (including my mom) judge me as a.. non-thinker person. no, they just saw my outer side. in my mind, I'm a fighter. but I just try try try to ignore it by doing another things. such as playing games, having fun, etc.

when it's about 11.40 pm, new year's eve

first, I didn't buy any trumpet this year. but that's okay maybe. I just love to make annoying sounds from a trumpet when it's already 00.00. it has its own sensation. LOL

I already planned that I'm going to go outside at 11.45, of course to see fireworks. I never missed a new year's eve without looking at 'em. but.. before I do what I planned, I ask my mom a thing. I wanted to play DotA until the next morning. but.. my mom said something. that indirectly means I'm useless. really, it's like being stabbed right in front of my chest. yes, I'm crying. she said that I don't have another meaning things to do except playing. and she said that I has no future.

okay, I'm an open unemployment. I'm a private teacher. and only have a student for now. yeah, the salary just enough for my internet. but I don't know what to do anymore. should I get another job? I wonder what kind of job I will get. a housekeeper?

about college? I have a desire to continue to study. but my mom wants me to choose accounting. but me, personally wants to choose between english literature or public relation. besides, I know my parents' financial condition. it will trouble them. so I choose to stay at home.

is she hates me that bad? what should I do? I know that I'm wasting their money when I ate, drink, sick, sleep. I ever thought, maybe it's better when I'm not here? maybe.. die instantly or flee from this house?

I know now that I'm priceless and useless.

oh, about the fireworks, yes I missed it. I didn't even see a light. the light that only I can see once a year. the light that really makes me happy every once a year. I ended up crying in front of my computer, playback all the things that she said, until I decided to share it here.

what will happen tomorrow?
anyway.. Happy New Year, everyone. though I'm not happy at all.